Well we are smack dab in the middle of what I like to call the “Love” season. Starts around Thanksgiving, and ends usually after Valentines Day. It’s around this time of year that depression seems to be at its highest, because of the factors of money, being with family, or the hopelessness of not having any of it. I personally believe its the reliving of good times with loved ones that can trigger it, but then again I’m not a psychologist, but I am currently working on becoming a master in Common Sense.
I stand back at this moment, to look at it all, and think about why we seem to put so much stock in this thing called love. The answer seems simple. We all want to be wanted, desired, cared for as much as we want to care for someone. That feeling is an enormous high at times. The thing I want to touch on though is what we seem to give up for it.
Without a doubt I equate the feeling of love, and also what some equate to love (sex) as a drug. Think about the things you have given up for it. For men it’s usually money, time, power (as in their power in the relationship), and sanity at times. For women, time, power, sanity, and in some cases money to if they are in love with deadbeats. Tell me that isn’t equal in some aspects to addiction. I’ve seen people give up everything for drugs, alcohol, gambling, or whatever else the addiction is on the same level as what is given for love. Love is a version of gambling too, because you are gambling that all the time and effort you are putting in is going to be worth it. That the person you are with is on the same level of wanting to give up everything for you too. Most often times it isn’t that way, and ends eventually.
I’ll admit it, I am cynical. I am also selfish, but willing to admit it. I like my stuff. I like the fact that I control my own destiny, that I am the king of my personal universe. It is because of these things that I have refused, for the most part to “play the game” as they say. Let’s break that phrase down. What does it mean to “play the game”? From everything that I have learned, or been told, playing the game involves giving up a lot of position in the name of being the pursuer, which I refuse to do. I don’t believe that in order to have a relationship you have to give up certain rights of what makes you, you in order to succeed at it. There is a difference between give and take in arguments, then changing who you are or what you want for love.
I do have a lot of people that have crossed my life that has given me their story of the bad situation they are in, just trying to talk to someone about it, because they have no one else to tell, or wanting perspective of what to do. Well what I am about to say is this, and it may not be popular, but it is a common sense way of thinking I apply to a lot of things. If you feel lost in the relationship work on the following:
1. Step back a second and take an honest look at how you got to where you are. HONESTLY. Not just the things he/she did or said, but what you may or may not have done to get there too.
This will allow a decent idea of what the situation is, and maybe being able to honestly critique the flaws you have on top of what we all do which is point out our others flaws.
2. If you feel like you are weak, or being stepped on, you probably are. There is a reason for this, and that is you have given up too much power to the other person to dominate over you. By “power” I am not talking about being abusive to someone, I am only talking about not letting someone abuse you. Let them do what they want, because they are their own person, but don’t let them control you, because you are your own person as well.
This one is the biggest one I see, and one the one I’m guilty of giving in too as well at times. We do it because we want to seem nice, or we don’t want conflict, but conflict is going to happen, and you can’t always be nice. Whether it is always going out to do things your partner always wants to do, but then when you want to do something, they refuse or fight over it, or whenever you try to talk about what is going on they can’t be bothered to care, when you listen to their issues with you, that’s giving up your power. It has to be equal.
3. Stop the mind games. Sorry ladies, this one is aimed a little at you, although I know men who do this too. You know what they are. Frivolously saying things like, “Well I’m gonna leave you then” or doing the thing where you know something is wrong, but playing the “Oh nothing” game. Its hateable, no one likes it, and that 10 out of 10 times will get me to leave. If you are going to say that you are leaving, then don’t say it, just do it. It has to be the nuclear bomb not just crying wolf.
4. Realize when it actually is time to tap out. We don’t want to be alone. It stinks, and the older we get, the more helpless we can feel that time is running out. Don’t allow that fear of being alone be the reason to continue a bad thing. If you lost your position, and your partner not only knows you are weak, but willing to continue to exploit it, and isn’t willing to bend, then get out of there. It isn’t going to get better, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. It’s better to take a gamble on trying to be good to yourself, or gamble on someone else, then what has basically turned into a losing streak .
By the way, don’t feel totally hopeless, yeah I can’t guarantee that you will find that special someone out there, no one can. What I can say is that you can find happiness, at least with yourself, and honestly, that is the best thing you can do in life.
There are more things out there, and in this time of reflection with the holidays it may seem that this is an angry column, but it really isn’t . I love with all my heart, its a pure thing that knows no end, but I don’t give it away like it was a half off sale at the dollar general. I said before I am selfish, and I want back what I put in, and if someone isn’t willing to do the same, then I don’t feel like wasting both of our times. My next column will be a little more on the festive reflection side that the end of the year always brings up, and the happiness that everyone that has touched my life really means, until then, whenever that may be, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanza or just Happy Holidays my friends.