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2012, trying to put it all into perspective…

I told myself I would be fully honest with this jumbled bunch of words any time that I put one together, so as far as this goes, I will be no different. Trying not to be hacky either about a year end column, but want to break it down for what the year was.

Me before and after my weight loss

When I walked into the year, or stumbled due to drinking, I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of it. I had already got a gym membership in 2011, but wasn’t really taking it seriously, hardly ever went. Going into 2012 I was 330+ pounds, working just above minimum wage at a Cab Company, and in the dark about the future and the prospect of being 30 years old soon. Not really negative, because life was and is still is good, but really just coasting. January proved really no change, just a lot of talk that we all do about what we feel we want to do at the beginning of any year.  February rolled around. Once again really nothing going on as far as being serious, just going week by week, paycheck to paycheck, trying to get to the next weekend so I can see my friends at karaoke and relax. February would turn out to be the month that changed the course of everything in my life forever.

My birthday is February 22nd, landed on a Wednesday in 2012, which means no celebration really until the weekend. It just so happens that my friend Rob had his birthday that week too, so it was a dual celebration. Had a blast, at sushi, drank a little, then went to karaoke like I normally do. I don’t really remember how much I drank that night, all I know was that it was a lot, and my brain wasn’t thinking clearly. At one point, I’d say around 12 or 1 am, for some reason I had a feeling of depression, and made the dumb decision that I should just go home. I never drink and drive, but that night I did, and if I had been pulled over, it would have been an immediate arrest. I remember stopping by a McDonald’s that was close to the bar and ordering 3 McDoubles, and a 20 piece chicken McNuggets, and shoveling it down my craw in an attempt to try and sober up a bit for a really long drive home. I’m glad I didn’t get pulled over, or into an accident that night, and I think I was spared humiliation, pain, and anything else that could have happened in a shot to change.

The next morning I woke up, hungover badly, looking at my phone and seeing a text from my friend Will stating that if I ever did that again he would personally kick my ass. I deserved that, and I felt like shit physically, and mentally. I sat there having that epiphany moment going “What are you doing man? You are now 30 years old, and still doing shit like a kid, look at you, you are just a fat slobby piece of shit, and you never do anything to change it. You put shit off, you never meet a goal, you say you wish you could look good, if only, if only, if only..” That ran into my head all day. It was from that internal conversation that I said fuck it, it hasn’t been working, it really is time to change it, and I did. I am a practicing Roman Catholic, and that week was the beginning of Lent, and I really didn’t pick a thing out to give up for the season, but at that time I decided that my sacrifice would be a major one. No more drinking, no candy, no chips, no fast food, no sugary drinks, no more delicious things that I had been enjoying for years anymore. If you ever had trouble with giving up things for a diet, Lent is a good way of doing it, because 40 days of basically detoxing made it easy to lose the weight I wanted so desperately to do.

I set up easy goals, first one was just get below 300, and do it 5 pounds at a time. Its amazing now thinking back at it how quickly that came when you give up everything. I went under 300 from 336 before the end of March. Hadn’t been under 300 since pretty much High School. Very happy at that point, but now I was out for trying to get to 250. Near the end of June is when I hit that magical point. All this time slowly building on exercise, learning to eat better, studying my body pretty much with how it responded to food throughout the day, what exercise did, everything. I started to think that if I put this much effort into what I did with school I’d probably have a PHD. 5 pounds at a time was, and still is where I’m at. I went below my ultimate goal of 200 pounds in late October, and as of this writing am now staring down the barrell of 180 pounds. It has seriously been a really long but fun run.

2012 wasn’t all about losing weight, but that was a major part of it. I also made some changes to my work, and even love. I have been off and on working at a Taxi company for almost a good 10 years. The place is ok, I really like working with my boss, but the pay isn’t so good, and there are a couple of job politics that always come up that eventually frustrated me. I did leave again, and this time I think it is a permanent thing, but no ill will with my departure, it was just time to go. At the time I did it for another reason, which I will get to in a moment, but deep down it was because I knew I had to move on. I got a job working at Lowe’s call center, and thought about moving up there, but forgot the reason I left working at call centers. I hate dealing with customers on the phone. Detest it is a better word. I get stressed out with the call center environment, the dumb politics again, and now I was seriously thinking about wanting to be my own man, do things for myself instead of doing it because I have bosses to answer to. It’s because of that, that I made the choices that put me in an airplane and in Texas for the first time ever in my life.

I left New Mexico late October because I was going to take an opportunity to be a truck driver like my brother in law is. I would get to make a pile of money basically, while seeing the country over the road, and all I would have to do is deal with loneliness from time to time. I jumped on the chance, but didn’t really consider how hard it could be to drive a semi truck. I passed the written exams but couldn’t get past the driving part. It is all for the best though, and it opens up with the move the prospect to do something else even though at the moment, there is a lot of uncertainty.

I couldn’t talk about this past year without glancing a little over a relationship I had during the middle of the year. She honestly was the first actual thing I had in over 10 years. That is because being the fat slob I was and felt like, I didn’t think I should subject some poor women my (in my opinion) disgusting self. Now that weight was coming down, confidence builds, and you try things. I realize now that at the time I wasn’t really in love, just happy that I was getting attention, and didn’t want to give that feeling up. This small period of my year is what I used in my head to leave the cab company for more money, and move me on to where I am now. The reason the thing fizzled is on me more then anything. She was and is a great person, but my head isn’t in the right area to deal with someone else right now, it really is only about me. I don’t think that is a bad thing necessarily, but being the person I am, I don’t want to subject someone else to that when I can’t or won’t devote full time to them. So if on the off chance you are reading this, know that you are great, you are beautiful, and I am sorry for being what I am if it causes pain to you.

So now I am looking into 2013, and it is filled with the unknown. I have ideas of what I want, but still in the dark of how I want to get there. I also want to say at this point that I wish the best of new years to everyone in my life. If I have you as a friend, that is because you really are one, not just a number on facebook of someone I know. In many cases I haven’t seen a lot of you in a long time, but you are all on my brain. I hope you all find what you are looking for in life, and stay safe with whoever you spend it with. The brain is petering out so I’ll end it with that. Happy new year!

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1 Comment on 2012, trying to put it all into perspective…

  1. Hey Sean this I Jen from Convergys, Wills house and your facebook. Dont know why exactly but you popped into my head today and I decided to check your facebook. Reading this was awesome! Im so happy for you Sean and so proud of you dude. You look fantastic and your words are inspirational. I just turned 35 in Sept. Im also re analyzing things in my life. I here thats what happends in our 30’s. Im Catholic too and I tell ya the older I get the more iam understanding the importance of faith and hope. Anyway i thought id comment on this cause it was awesome to read. Hope you are doing well Sean

    Take Care

    Like

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