The Intestinal Fortitude News Feed

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (or: How I stopped caring and learned to deal with Peter Jackson’s inane movies)

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So I think last year I said I wasn’t going to go watch this sequel because of the lackluster feelings I had about the one last year, but yet here I am watching this again. I will say that no matter what I say on this review, I will go see the last one out of pure anger, KNOWING what I should expect. On to the review! Spoilers and angry opinion ahead!

Let me get this out of the way right now. Peter Jackson knows how to make a beautiful movie. He is a great cinematographer, and knows how to paint a picture that is pretty. He has done this with his other Lord of the Rings movies, and even King Kong was a pretty film too. You’ll never get me to shit on that fact. He does a great job of combining actual made models with CGI effects to blend together in ways you may not know you were looking at fake things.

Having said that I think I am officially tired of the way he shoots a story. I understand the material isn’t his, it’s Tolkien’s, but still there is a way to do things without rehashing the same shit over and over again. I had feelings last year that George Lucas takes a lot of crap for making movies just so he can sell toys, and I was starting to believe Jackson (or the film company he works for) wants to do the same thing. There is no reason to drag a possible one movie film into three unless you are doing it for money reasons. Take that needing to tie up loose ends shit, not everything in a book needs to be shown on film. Let me also state this right now: I have NEVER read the Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, or any other of these books, and I never intend to. I only go off what I see on a screen, and when it is the same shit over and over again, I start to get a little cranky.

Lets to the heart of the matter. My annoyance at what I call the Peter Jackson “Epic Chase Scene”. You know what I’m talking about. The heroes have to frantically run to get away from the rest of the earth chasing them down, usually involves a super old stone bridge of some type that decided this was the day it was going to topple like dominoes. Meanwhile beautiful shots of Orcs, or evil creatures swinging from branches or vines or ropes throwing things at our heroes to kill them. Usually ends with one of the heroes dying in a sacrifice to save everyone else. Cut to next scene where everyone is around a campfire/ or pile of rocks reminiscing, and our main Hobbit talking to Mr. Inspiration (Gandalf/Aaragorn/Old Dwarf) saying they aren’t sure they can go on, but they all find a way with small words to push on. I’M SICK OF THESE SCENES! I understand it might be in the books a ton, but once again maybe cut down on these, or shorten the film, or just not drag it out into 3 films.

Peter also does a horrible job of foreshadowing. I have no idea how this will end, but I’m pretty sure that stupid Dragon is going to find its end by the character that should have had blinking lights surrounding him trying to redeem his family for not killing the stupid thing Eons ago. Oh wow, he also happens to have stowed away the only weapon that kills dragons? What a coincidence Peter…All I know is that there better be a dragon death in this series, or I’ll be even more angry. It got me to remember that Jackson decided to have 54 different endings to Lord of the Rings, but we didn’t get to see the scene where Christopher Lee gets his throat cut for turning his back on EVERYONE. Only people who might have seen that scene were the asswipes who bought the special edition – extra extended version of the movie (Lucas anyone?)

This movie also ends pretty abruptly. Abruptly enough for me to say Oh Fuck You movie!! When the end titles started up. I’ll say this. People will probably love this film. Might even read this and say I’ve lost my mind. I just know what I like and don’t like and I don’t like paying money to keep seeing the same stuff filmed in different ways over and over again.

I think I need to start video reviews because as I type this the passion is going away, and I’m calming down which wouldn’t happen if I was on camera. Something to ponder on for the future. In a short summary, who cares what the plot is, just watch one of the other Jackson Hobbit movies if you need to know what is going on, but add dragon to the mix, and you got what’s going on here. Watch it, don’t watch it, just realize that maybe I have a point. Last review for the year, new ones to be done for the next year, now its time for some peace and hopefully a better 2014. Happy New Year all!

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