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Worst of 2014 by Gregmo Roberts

Nothing is as fun as writing about the worst films for the past year. Compiling a list of the best films is tough.  You have a list of films and you scale them back until you have a viable list of 10 that you feel comfortable to go on record championing.   But with the 10 worst, you can open the barn doors and let the horses out.

2014 was not without its terrible films.  Awful ones in fact.  And hardly a shortage.  From talking cars to evil board games there were dreadfully appalling and unpleasant film experiences that need to be avoided at all costs if you were lucky enough to not invest time and money to screen any of these duds.

So what are they?  Our list starts here:

Annie

This musical dud is so bad for so many reasons.  Yes – there are two songs which will sound familiar and are upbeat toe tappers. But the rest of the film – yeesh.  Cameron Diaz secures her spot as worst performance of the year in her attempts to channel Carol Burnett and Jamie Foxx as Daddy Warbucks is a mean and despicable person.  Couldn’t wait for it to end.

Ouija

It’s easy to make fun of bad horror movies.  But Ouija makes it extra simple.  The film about a group of friends that awaken evil after playing around with the Toys ‘R Us board game was neither scary nor interesting.  Add to the mix unremarkable characters and dialogue that is less intelligent than what you might hear in a McDonald’s Fun Zone and you get one of the worst films of the year.

Need for Speed

Aaron Paul attempted to launch his movie career with Breaking Bad in his rear view mirror.  But this car wreck of a film was equal parts boring and dumb.  Worse still, it was nothing we haven’t seen before.  It lacked creativity and failed to get anything into gear.

3 Days to Kill

I am sure that Kevin Costner was pitched the idea that this Luc Besson scripted film might be his Taken franchise.  But not even Costner and co-stars Hailee Steinfeld, Amber Heard and Connie Nielsen could catapult this movie to anything above a single star rating.  The story, which was supposed to be a mix of humor and action, was humorless and stale.

Transcendence

I don’t know what to make of Johnny Depp.  As a pirate or as part of a Tim Burton project he comes off as a spectacular actor.  But outside of these two resume entries, he seems to pick his projects by selecting scripts in a darkroom.  Transcendence had the aide of Morgan Freeman, Paul Bettany and Kate Mara all of which contributed to this mess of a science fiction film that had me illuminating my watch in the theatre countless times just to see how many minutes had elapsed and how many more I had to endure.

Devil’s Due

It’s just bad.  Real bad.  Found footage bad.  It was attempting to be a found footage Rosemary’s Baby.  Instead it had the appeal of a Baby on Board stick on sign.  Three trips to a hypnotist and plenty of drugs and booze later, I still can’t get this film erased from my memory.  I am one month away from going to Total Recall to completely get this piece of crap erased.

Winter’s Tale

Russell Crowe + Will Smith + Colin Farrell + William Hurt + Jennifer Connolly = A terrible movie that is insulting mush.  It’s the new math.

The Quiet Ones

The trailer was good.  That’s about all the positive we can squeeze out of the sponge.  Tedious and exasperated this ‘inspired by true events’ was about as entertaining as a Cappuccino enema.   They say you should ‘watch the quiet ones’.  Well, not this one.

Vampire Academy

My pick for the worst film of the year.  Based on a popular set of books, this atrocity is a rotten cherry on top of a heap of smoldering garbage.  The story, the acting, the dialogue, the action, the premise all made The Expendables 3 feel a Christopher Nolan experience.  I left the theatre feeling mad that I had put aside 2 hours of my day for this pile of manure.  I have to take a shower now just thinking about the film.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Mark Wahlberg was raving about the film while in production.  He proclaimed that this fourth film in the franchise would be the top grossing film of the year.  Well, he was right about one thing – the film was gross.  Grossly overrated.  Grossly overacted.  Grossly unentertaining.  Add that the film clocked in at close to three hours of explosions and blundering plots and you have a film that put me and my family on suicide watch.

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2 Comments on Worst of 2014 by Gregmo Roberts

  1. Hit the nail on the head

    Like

  2. Great article as always. Havent seen any of this movies, but thanks for letting me know I’m not missing anything

    Like

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