The Intestinal Fortitude News Feed

‘Everly’ Film Review by Gregmo Roberts

…and 92 minutes later I have my first frontrunner for the Worst Film of 2015.  The film was Everly starring Salma Hayek and it was a movie that lacked any sense of purpose of enjoyment that I longed for the good ole days when films such as Joe Dirt were considered entertainment.

Everly is an action/thriller.  Ain’t no second guessing its genre.  And it centers on a woman named (wait for it….wait for it……) Everly played by Hayek who comes out of a bathroom guns a blazin in an apartment room filled with assassins, johns and some geeky guy with glasses that bleeds all over the couch.   The body count reaches double digits before we find out that Everly has been kidnapped and kept prisoner in the apartment by a mob boss for several years.  After the barrage of gunplay, Everly finally has a moment to call her mom and daughter who she instructs to leave the house and head to the apartment to which all the hell is breaking loose – which makes sense – why wouldn’t you want to put your family in harm’s way.

But before her family gets there, there is plenty more bodies to pile up.  Then after her family gets there, there is plenty more bodies to pile up.  Everly does so single handedly thanks to the arsenal hiding within the apartment that includes guns that even Arnold Schwarzenegger would likely call ‘heavy’.

As Everly’s bad day progresses, she herself will be shot, stabbed, had acid dropped on parts of her body and be beaten to a pulp all of which she can remedy from quickly enough to get the upper hand on her assailants.  These assailants will include gun dopes, a masochist, someone called The Sadist who looks like he and his team were from the Director’s Cut of Big Trouble in Little China and the mob boss himself who brandishes a sword and a grudge which are equally ridiculous.

The whole film takes place in the apartment where the neighbors seem to keep to themselves even as it rains bullets around them.  The setting and the lack of completely ridiculous dialogue are the only two saving graces of a film that does nothing but provide cartoon violence and borderline humor as the surround sound system swirls bullet sounds in every direction.

Hayek doesn’t embarrass herself but I do wonder why the hell she took the role.  According to sources, Everly was a ‘blacklisted script’ that has been languishing in Hollywood Hell for some time.  Kate Hudson was even once attached to star.  I imagine the pitch to Hayek was that it would all take place in one room and open up another genre for the aging (but still incredible) star much like what the Taken franchise has done for Irishman Neeson.

Whatever her reasoning she would be wise to find a hot tub time machine and go back and erase this from her resume.  It was clearly an experiment gone awry and not something worthy of further notation.

An action/thriller centered on a woman who faces down assassins sent by her ex, a mob boss, while holed up in her apartment.

 

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