The Intestinal Fortitude News Feed

The Worst Films of 2015 (so far…) by Gregmo Roberts

The year is officially half over.  In movieland, ticket sales are up a few percentage points from last year thanks largely (if not solely) to three films, Jurassic World, Fast and the Furious 7 and The Avengers 3, all of which grossed over $1 billion at the worldwide box office.

But for all the wheel barrels of money being unloaded at the studio’s front gates, the year has been a mixed bag at best with most films far out-grossing their entertainment value.

According to boxofficemojo.com there have been over 300 movies released theatrically so far this year.  A handful have been memorable, most have been of the tepid variety and some have been the most gawd-awful attempts to steal money from our entertainment budgets.

Here is our list of the Worst Films of 2015 so far:

fifty-shades-of-grey-01_612x380Fifty Shades of Grey

The book was awful.  The movie was worse.  Released with a tremendous amount of fanfare (fanfare: noun meaning wet panties).  Starring two people who you had never known to exist prior to the film’s poster being plastered on your neighbourhood bus shelter, the movie grossed over $550 million at the box office while audiences sat and giggled at the ridiculous sexual negotiations between the two leads.  Congratulations Fifty Shades, you are the Showgirls of the new generation.

Mortdecai

Johnny Depp is on a roll.  A roll worthy of an Adam Sandler soft clap.  Outside of anything to do with Pirates, Depp has been a box office bomb.  Take Transcendence, The Lone Ranger, Dark Shadow and Tusk.  No seriously, please take them.  All were box office disappointments and Depp was at the heart of each failure.  Still, none of the aforementioned films were as bad as Mortdecai, a ruthlessly unfunny film that makes the Mr. Bean movies look like Kubrick masterpieces.

blackhatBlackhat

Prior to Blackhat, I had always affirmed that director Michael Mann had yet to make a bad movie.  Sure, The Keep and Miami Vice were not films people will protest if not in the Mann DVD Collector’s Set, but they still had redeeming qualities.  But Blackhat starring Chris Hemsworth as a convict helping the government catch a cyberterrorist was boring, confusing, dull and drab.  Watching Hemsworth sit on a toilet wearing a black hat while doing a crossword puzzle for 90 minutes would have been more enjoyable.

Entourage

We didn’t ask for a theatrical movie based on the HBO television show.  But we got one anyway and now this unnecessary time waster officially has the title of eating up 104 minutes of my lifespan.  Here is the best thing I can say about the film…..

Big Game

In Ted 2, Ted tries to explain who Samuel L. Jackson is to his lawyer by asking, ‘You ever seen any movie ever? He’s the black guy’.  Samuel L. stars in this clunker of an action film that has him playing the President who must survive in the wilderness after a plane crash with only the help of a young boy on some sort of survival quest.  Big Game was dumb with a capital ‘WTF’ with effects and action sequences that rival Indiana Jones hiding in a refrigerator during an atomic blast.

Hayride 2

Wait, there was a Hayride 1?

san-andreas-1San Andreas

This movie almost didn’t make our list due to the incredibly strong presence of one Dwayne Johnson.  Johnson has the ability to make bad films watchable.  But if we took Mr. The Rock out and inserted say, Nicolas Cage into the same script and scenes we would have the worst film of the year by a country mile.  The is disaster porn at its best and worst.  Things go boom but only at the expense of logic, science and my patience.  Humans run around doing stupid things, saying stupid things and being stupid things.  Sand Andreas is a stupid thing.

Taken 3

Yet another film on the list that is spared my entire collection of venom due to its star.  Liam Neeson continues to milk the Luc Besson cow by starring in the second sequel to the surprise hit of 2008.  This offering has our hero being accused of a murder he didn’t commit.  Oh, the tragedy.  So he runs and shoots beats and bangs his way through the story to clear his name and provide justice for his family.  The film was about as engaging as a protologist smell-my-finger contest.  The third Taken still made $354 million at the box office which means (gulp) there might just be a fourth.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Here’s an idea – let’s take a stupid movie that somehow made good money in 2009 and give it the sequel treatment this time setting the film in Vegas where hilarity always ensues.  This sequel insulted our intelligence.  And we failed high school.  Overhead shots of Vegas are as numerous as industrial site footage in True Detective: Season 2 and the shots from above the Wynn hotel just remind us how much we wanted to jump off the roof rather than witness another pratfall of a fat man that’s as funny as a bunch of kittens being drowned in a bathtub.

JUPITER ASCENDING - 2015 FILM STILL - Channing Tatum as Caine and Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones - Photo Credit: Murray Close © 2015 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

JUPITER ASCENDING – 2015 FILM STILL – Channing Tatum as Caine and Mila Kunis as Jupiter Jones – Photo Credit: Murray Close
© 2015 Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

Jupiter Ascending

A $175 million dollar budget.  Imagine if that money was given to cancer research or to help starving children in Africa.  Instead, it was spent on a science fiction film that made us angry.  Angry that the talents of all those involved (Tatum, Redmayne, Kunis) were wasted on this fly infested pile of vomit from Andy and Lana Wachowski.   Only thing missing from this clunker was a scene where Mortdecai and Paul Blart steal a spaceship to find Liam Neeson before the San Andreas fault cracks thus killing Samuel L. Jackson the President.

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